Name the Culprit

As promised, I've planned to start photographing things that happen around my house while living with a 6 foot 4 Viking. Tonight, I came home to a broken hinge on the sliding glass door.

Who is to blame?

The Viking?

The dog?

or

The cleaners.

You decide.

Now, the question is - do I try to repair it or get new cloth blinds?

In Billy I Must Trust

Slow down, you crazy child.
You're so ambitious for a juvenile.
But then if you're so smart, tell me why are you still so afraid?
Where's the fire? What's the hurry about?
You better cool it off before you burn it out.
You got so much to do and only so many hours in a day.

Don't you know that when the truth is told
That you can get what you want or you can just get old?
You're gonna kick off before you even get halfway through.
When will you realize Vienna waits for you?

Slow down, you're doing fine.
You can't be everything you wanna be before your time,
Although it's so romantic on the borderline tonight, tonight.
Too bad, but it's the life you lead.
You're so ahead of yourself that you forgot what you need.
Though you can see when you're wrong,
You know, you can't always see when you're right, you're right.

You've got your passion. You've got your pride,
But don't you know that only fools are satisfied?
Dream on, but don't imagine they'll all come true.
When will you realize Vienna waits for you?

Slow down, you crazy child.
Take the phone off the hook and disappear for a while.
It's all right you can afford to lose a day or two.
When will you realize Vienna waits for you?

Don't you know that when the truth is told
That you can get what you want or you can just get old?
You're gonna kick off before you even get halfway through.
Why don't you realize Vienna waits for you?
When will you realize Vienna waits for you?

On My Mind Lately..

Welcome to your life 
There's no turning back 
Even while we sleep 
We will find you 
Acting on your best behaviour 
Turn your back on mother nature 
Everybody wants to rule the world 

It's my own design 
It's my own remorse 
Help me to decide 
Help me make the most 
Of freedom and of pleasure 
Nothing ever lasts forever 
Everybody wants to rule the world 
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsfreak.com/t/tears+for+fears/everybody+wants+to+rule+the+world_20135573.html ] 
There's a room where the light won't find you 
Holding hands while the walls come tumbling down 
When they do I'll be right behind you 

So glad we've almost made it 
So sad they had to fade it 
Everybody wants to rule the world 

I can't stand this indecision 
Married with a lack of vision 
Everybody wants to rule the world 
Say that you'll never never never never need it 
One headline why believe it ? 
Everybody wants to rule the world 

All for freedom and for pleasure 
Nothing ever lasts forever 
Everybody wants to rule the world

This is How I Felt Today

When everything could go wrong, it did.

What movie clip best describes your day?

The Clean Queen Throws in her Towel

I am a self-proclaimed clean freak with OCD tendencies. Which is why it was difficult for me this week to allow strangers to come into my home and clean it, top to bottom. While I love the end result, (they cleaned areas I have unintentionally ignored like my ceiling fans and the window above my front door) there's a sort of guilt and failure that I feel for resigning to maids to clean my 3 bedroom, 2 1/2 bath home. I mean it's not that big, I can do it myself right?

Well, I could...and that was before October 2010 when the Vik moved in. Not that I'm blaming him, but when I lived alone, I didn't even step foot in three of the rooms. Automatically less mess. And the only reason I went to the basement was to do laundry - now he uses it as a workspace, storage space and bar.

When I lived alone, cleaning the house was a chore I embraced. I blasted my music, danced around and had fun with it. It was the one thing I felt I could control - take what's dirty, use a little elbow grease and make it clean. There was an end result. One I felt proud of.

But after the Vik moved in, the mess became more than I could handle. And it's not that he's messy, he's just a guy - and a simple act of making a sandwich would turn into a crumb fest on my counters and floor. (I should state that he does clean up after himself. But I have high standards when it comes to cleaning, and rarely anyone meets them).

My cleaning cache

I also found it too easy to make an excuse to be lazy with him or do other fun things on the weekends then clean. But, I found that I couldn't really enjoy myself when all I could think of was the dust piling up in the corners or the ring forming around my toilets. The neglect was turning to guilt and the guilt to stress.

Why should I stress about a household chore when I have enough stress in my life? That was the question I asked myself earlier this month and the one that changed my mind. In an effort to lessen my stress, I gave in and you know what? I'm happy I did. The Merry Maids met my cleaning standards - cleaning places I couldn't (my ceiling vents for one) and I'm happy to break my weekends free from scrubbing the tub and polishing the stainless steel. This isn't to say I'm going to let the house go. I can't do that. I'm too manic about being clean, but I'm okay letting go of the control, (I think).

So, I ask you. Do you have a maid? What's been the most rewarding thing about having one? If you don't have one, would you consider it?

Better yet...do you think I'm a) crazy b) lazy or c) wise.

The Blog I've Been Dreading

"I've spent the last 6 months doing whatever it takes to keep my dog alive. There isn't a day, or a moment that I'm not concerned with how she is doing, what she is doing and how she could be doing. Since being diagnosed with cancer, all of my strength, passion and love has been."

Those were the words to the last post I was typing on February 4th. It was also the night I had to say goodbye to my best friend, my love, my Indi. I find it ironic that today, after 5 months, and on what would have been her 11th birthday, that I chose to write again.

Indi, 5 days before she died. 

I think it's taken me so long to write this because I was afraid to read what I wrote. I remember trying to describe how difficult it was to care for a family member on borrowed time. I ignored my blog because I knew those words still lived there. Opening the draft would be like opening up memories to a night I wan't ready to face again.

While I'm not about to rehash the anguish of losing Indi, (thanks to Stephanie for lending me this book, - it helped get me through the stages of grief), what her death has taught me is the precious value of time. I've learned what is and what is not a priority and while I'll never stop sweating all the small stuff, I've learned to let go of some of the things I can't control. Cancer may have beat us in the end, but the three of us gave it one hell of a fight.

As I finish this blog, I keep thinking of this lyric in Glenn Frey's 80s hit, You Belong to the City: "so much has happened but nothing's changed." This may seem odd, but when it comes to love, nothing has changed. We still love Indi, that indeed will never change, but we've also found room to love another dog. As I type this Dublin, a 5 month old mystery mut, vies for my attention, sitting on the same couch I shared with Indi, wrapped in the same blue blanket.

Dublin, 5 months

I expected to share our home with a dog again, but not for at least a year. I gave myself a timeframe that wasn't necessary and I'm happy I didn't stick to it. Dublin has brought us so much laughter and joy -  more in this last month than I've probably experienced in a very long time. And while I wish I didn't worry so much about her (I guess I'll never stop worrying) it's been so wonderful to love and care for an animal again.

I'd like to think Indi had a hand in bringing Dublin to us, but knowing Indi, she would have no part of sharing her house with another dog! So, I think we just got lucky.

My hopes for Dublin are many. My main hope is that she knows I will do everything I can for her to make sure she is safe, happy and loved. The love she has given to us is overwhelming and is slowly mending my heart.

My Night of Panic, thanks to a Cell Phone

Thanks to the Vik, last night I had a mini panic attack.

Let me explain. I'm already a person who thinks the worse will happen, at any given moment. I see a black cloud over my head at all times and a lucky horseshoe, four leaf-clover or the number 11:11 on the clock does not make me want to make a wish or believe that good luck will come my way. I'm a pessimist, or as my friend Steph defined today, a realist.

So, last night, the Vik has an airport train pick up at 7:30 p.m. He kissed me goodbye and I expected him home around 9 p.m. At 9:15 p.m. I texted him on both phones, googled talked him and by 9:30 p.m. called him. No answer. I even called the guy he picked up - Nothing. After his friend failed to answer and he didn't respond, panic set in.

While it's not unusual for the Vik not to answer his phone, I found it extremely odd that his buddy didn't. Thoughts rushed through my head: Could they have been in accident? Could someone have robbed them at the train station at BWI? To top things off, I heard a helicopter canvasing the neighborhood. Normally, I probably wouldn't have let the worry get the best of me. But add this to an already frazzled woman trying daily to stave off cancer from her beautiful and loving 10-year-old dog, things are on high alert for me. All. The. Time.

By 10 p.m. I had my shoes on, ready to drive over to his friend's house and if they weren't there, drive to the train station. I called a few people first, hoping they would calm me down, throw out my fear. My friends though, didn't answer. Just as I was about to leave, the phone rang. The Vik. "Oh buddy, you are in some deep trouble," I told him. He knew what he did and trust me, he will never leave his phone in his car ever again.

So, I ask, is this a normal feeling when you're in a relationship? Does a loved one not answering the phone or returning on time cause you to hysterically worry? Or do I just need more Xanex?